(written a few days following the ceremony)
Recovering...still weak and spacey...what a three days it has been. Trauma, panic, ceremony, illness, purging, sleeping. Friday night was my hardest ceremony yet. It seems that it began hours before, and continued through the day yesterday. And it wasn´t a journey of great visions and insights, which made it feel even harder to accept and appreciate for me. But even now, in my early reflections, I understand that this whole miserable few days may offer me great insight into my own nature and suffering. And for as much as as that sucks, I am grateful to at least have the desire to understand it all.
One thing about recovering from illness, I feel so still inside, very still in mind. Efficient due to weakness. A gift of slowness, rest. No great desire to do or speak, just beingness. I am sad that I didn´t get to say goodbye to Maria and Sarah, but it had to be that way.
So, I spent a couple days and one night in Cusco, and that was a good experience for the most part. Noisy, touristy, hectic. But my hostel was fine, quiet, comfortable. I began to get a headache in the afternoon. I was walking in San Blas in the afternoon, and who appeared behind me but Janna! We had tea at the Coca Shop and talked, and she showed me her hostel, which was very nice. Then I headed toward the bus station around 3pm to head back to Cusco for the night´s ceremony. The day went downhill from there.
I got on the bus, in the front seat. We left once the bus was full, as is normal. We departed and I got a funny feeling about the driver. By the time we were in the mountains just over Cusco, I had caught his eyes in the rear-view mirror several times. His eyes were slow and kept shutting...definitely the eyes of someone who´s falling asleep, and very possibly because he was intoxicated. I became nervous when he kept taking his hands off the wheel to spread a red cloth over his huge gut, apparently to keep the steering wheel from rubbing. He only took the wheel when we began to run off the road, which happened three or four times. At that point, the road was well in the mountains, but I began to worry that he was in no condition to drive, and thought of the steep cliffs ahead...
I kept a close eye on his eyes. They fluttered open and closed. He looked out the window, we hit the gravel at the side of the road. We sped up, he braked hard to a near stop, then sped up again. Yawning, his eyes fluttered closed, desperate for sleep. I began to seriously wonder if we would hit the steep cliffs and sail right over. I began to cough loudly to startle him awake. He swerved, ignoring the yellow lines. He stared out the side window. His arm flailed around for the gear shift, finding it as if blind. My fear escalated. I looked around at the other passengers to see if they noticed, but it seemed they did not. I began to send spiky thoughts to poke him awake and coherent. The cliffs appeared. More speeding and steep braking, more disregard of the yellow lines. I visualized a protective white light around the bus and prayed that we would all make it alive to our destinations. I felt angry that this asshole could endanger all of our lives out of his own lack of awareness and apathy. Several times I thought to ask just to get off the bus and walk the rest of the way back to Pisac, but didn´t. I wanted to scream and cry, but didn´t. And when the orange Pisac bridge appeared, I was grateful to step off and have my feet on the earth again.
I felt lost and distant when I got off the bus. I wandered to Ulrike´s for a mate de coca, and drank it in strange silence. I felt like I was ill, but no particular illness could be detected as I scanned my body. What I hadn´t realized is that I had fled my body in a major way, fearing seriously that the bus would go over the cliff. I was feeling weak, and decided to take a taxi home to Paz y Luz.
It was only a few hours before ceremony, and I needed to change clothes and prepare my intentions. Gray let me into Stephanie´s room, where my things were being stored. I got clothes out and changed, and felt more strange by the minute. By the time Stephanie had returned, I was under a blanket on her bed, shivering. My headache was gone, but I felt awful. Still no clear intentions, and it was an hour until I was supposed to go to Diego´s. Stephanie told me that I didn´t look good, that maybe I shouldn´t do ceremony. She also suggested a hot shower, since I was shivering. I stood under the very hot water for 45 minutes, and the heat barely penetrated the surface of my skin. My inner temperature was nearly impossible to regulate at that point, and eventually I got out of the shower and dressed. I even used Stephanie´s hairdryer to bring more heat.
7pm came, and I sat on Stephanie´s bed, unsure of what to do. I didn´t feel well at all, but I really wanted to be in ceremony. I cried in exasperation, and Stephanie said she´d clear her other bed for me, in case I wanted to sleep there, and she´d leave the door open. I told her that if I didn´t return by 9pm, I wouldn´t come.
I gathered my things and headed to Diego´s. I rang the buzzer...no answer. I started to wonder if I was alive or just a ghost, lost and wandering, if the bus had really made it to Pisac at all, or whether we had all flown off the road to our deaths. I rang a second time and was let in. I wandered in, and ran into Diego and another man. Diego greeted me, and I told him I wasn´t sure if I was getting sick or not, or if I should be there at all. He hugged me and told me to come inside by the fire.
I met Alexandra and Milagros by the porch, and Alexandra hugged me, and it was wonderful, and she talked for awhile about my poncho and the lovely colors, but I couldn´t follow her words so well. I somehow ended up telling Milagros that I was feeling sick and traumatized by my bus experience, and she asked more about it. I told her my story, and that I was feeling cold and my stomach was still off from the motion sickness. She led me in, and I sat by the fire. Diego introduced me to a couple other new guys, as well as Alexandra´s sister. I sat by the fire, said hello, and looked around the room in a panic. I felt hot and cold, and shed my bag and my poncho. Then, feeling overwhelmed and ready to cry, I fled the house and went to the porch to breathe. Carlos came walking toward me, and sat down next to me. He held me while I cried, and I tried to breathe slowly. We talked, I don´t remember much of the conversation. He asked me how long it had been since my last ceremony...not sure why...eventually he went inside.
I sat on the porch, feeling lost, like a ghost. I wandered to Kody´s room, and he wasn´t feeling well either. He and Unu were good to me. I cried and struggled to breathe, realizing that I was at the edge of a full-blown panic attack. I eventually wandered out to the temple and sat alone for awhile. Maria came in and sat with me for awhile, holding me, listening to me, comforting me. Then, after some time, Milagros came in and sat with me. Maria left.
We talked for awhile. She had never been really friendly with me before, and I had always assumed that she didn´t like me. But this night she was so kind, and listened to and comforted me. I don´t remember most of it, but what I realized in the course of our conversation was that I was more traumatized by the bus than I had realized, and that I had fled my body pretty intensely. I talked about my panic attacks, and she asked me when they began, and how I got through them before. What I knew, then, is that I wouldn´t know whether I was physically ill or not until I came back down into my body, but I wasn´t sure how to bring myself back.
In a way, I wanted either Milagros or Diego to tell me whether or not to do ceremony. They both made me feel welcome, but neither one made any effort to influence my decision.
Before Milagros left me, she told me of a Peruvian custom, an old one. When a child was frightened severely, it was believed that his or her soul would flee. Then the whole community would gather to have a ceremony to bring back the child´s soul. The one leading the ceremony would go to the place where the soul was lost with a puppet, representing the child. He would call the soul back, catching it in the puppet, and then in ceremony give the child back his or her soul. Milagros said that maybe I could ask for my soul to come back in ceremony.
Sh also shared a story of her own, of being out of body when her son was a baby, that she was preparing a bottle for him, then went to her bed and saw herself there, sleeping. She said that she wasn´t scared, just surprised, and that she awoke right away, back in her bed.
At that point, I decided that I was going to stay for ceremony, for better or worse. If I was physically ill, it would be purged. If I had a fit or panic attack, losing control, then it would come. I felt that this space, ceremony space, could contain whatever was to come.
We were about twelve in all, and I sat next to Sarah, with no one on my left. The whole atmosphere of the ceremony was a bit off for me. I wasn´t sure whether or not I was feeling physically ill, or whether it was all emotional, but I trusted the medicine. I knew that the medicine would bring whatever it was into the light, or purge it away.
I drank the medicine, and it wasn´t too bad. I sat, then, awaiting it to come into me. As time went by, the nausea mounted, and I purged powerfully. I purged a second time during the Spanish lyrics of Suddhosi Buddhosi. But the visions never came. The insights and wisdom never came. Songs came and went, and I sang as best I could. At one point, Diego asked me to play, and I did, and even beautifully, but my heart wasn´t joyful. My body was in incredible misery, my stomach was cramping more and more intensely. I begged to purge more, but my guts writhed. I thought to drink more, but my vision was slow and blurry, and my body was too much with the medicine to move. I couldn´t even purge more by ramming my finger down my throat, that ony brought more gagging and no relief. I stuck my head into my purge bucket, hoping the hideous, foul smell of ayahuasca puke would bring more purging. Nada. I swayed, making myself dizzy, hoping the same, to no avail. I felt it was hopeless. I was stuck, miserable, and yet the ceremony stretched on, endless. I whimpered, but couldn´t even cry. I sat, breathed. I wished I could have a fit or panic attack, but nothing came. The ceremony wore on. I sang, sat, breathed. At one point, I lay down on my side, hoping to sleep. Nothing. Others began to purge very powerfully, to weep. I envied their releases. I begged for my own. But nothing came. Eventually, after what felt like years, Diego lighted the candles and closed the ceremony.
I felt like I would never be well again. My stomach cramped. I tried to talk with Sarah, but I was miserable. She gave me bread, since we were hoping it might settle my stomach. I ate one or two bites. I felt worse. I wanted to die. Kody was sick, too, and went to bed right away. Milagros didn´t seem sympathetic, and when I told Diego that I felt really sick, he told me to have patience. I felt stuck, and no one seemed to have much regard for my sickness. I stumbled to the toilet, and the severe diarrhea began. I whimpered and wpt and went several more times to shit my guts out. Nearly everyone left, but the two new guys, Carlos, and Alexandra. Carlos tried to hold me, to comfort me, but I kept pushing him away. He eventually pulled me outside to do a tobacco cleansing, and he was so kind and intense, he even sang to me. Then, he tried to get me to smoke the tobacco and I resisted. He tried to suggest that I was deliberately holding on to something, but I couldn´t manage to convince him that I was actually ill. I eventually curled up on the cushions with three blankets and my sleeping bag and fell into a fitful sleep.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Reflections on Huachuma, July 6th
(written following my day with San Pedro)
Kody is now staying at Paz y Luz, and we met up a bit after 8am to walk to Diego´s. The others planning to partake of Huachuma were outside chatting, and we joined them. Linden was there, too, and getting ready to leave. The six of us waited for Diego, and a little after 9am, he and Milagros came outside. I asked if it was okay if I joined, and it was fine. We all gathered around beside the temple, sitting on tree-stump benches, sitting around a tree-stump table, beneath the canopy of eucalyptus trees. Diego told us a few things about what to expect of the experience. It could go on for many hours, but ours would be around 8 or so. Early in the experience, we could eat some fruits, but not bananas, though. Too grounding. Any other food early on would make us vomit. Otherwise, purging was unlikely. We might feel inclined to walk after awhile, but we shouldn´t go too far, and especially not to the center of town. People who were not with the medicine might look like ghosts. It would be possible to have conversations and move around normally, but in general, we were asked to enjoy the gardens and stay close to Melissa Wasi. The medicine would take about an hour to take effect, and it would come in gentle waves, but could go on for a long time without food. So, at around 5pm or so, Milagros would make us some simple food to bring us out of the experience.
Feeling informed as much as possible, it was time to drink the medicine. We were asked how many spoons of the pale green powder: two for a mild experience, three for a strong one, and four for a very strong one. The powder, made by Diego, was mixed with water, and would need to be stirred again just before drinking since it would settle quickly. Almost as an afterthought, Diego added that the taste was, well...it made Ayahuasca taste delicious by comparison. We went around one by one. Setting silent intentions, making a prayer. I chose three spoons, feelins certain, and sure that this experience was deeply right. The taste wasn´t too bitter, not so bad at all.
Since none of us had really eaten, Diego took his motorcycle into town to buy fruit for us to eat throughout the day. We all talked for awhile, then, one by one, we drifted away to find spots alone in the gardens.
I chose my initial spot under the trees, facing toward the mountains. A line of tall plants with bright blue flowers stood in front of me, and I leaned back against the tree. Waiting. I could feel the medicine come into me, but it was gentle, just as I had been told it would be. The bright blues and greens became brighter, more vivid. I tried to focus on these sacred mountains, but my attention was drawn down to the ground. I thought of Linda Hogan, writing about sky people and earth people, and realized that my own perspective was being drawn toward the latter. Down to the small world went my attention.
I sat with my back against the tree for awhile. Then, I spread my sarong to recline on the ground. The sun was warm, and the effect of the medicine was slow to come. I was face up for awhile, feeling sleepy and comfortable, and eventually rolled over to my belly. Then, a new world became visible to me. My first companion was a black fly. Not the usual type, but one whose winds were shaped like a kite, with velvety soft parts, dense black, and then a fringe of gossamer, translucent shimmering light. He landed, then flew, then landed, then flew. He came closer, then went farther, landing on the fragile stems of grass. When he moved, he was light and fast. When he was still, he was utterly still. I begged for him to come over, to be with me, but he never did. My attention was then drawn by the sound of a large hummingbird about ten feet up. He, too, darted from side to side in the air, not going to any flowers, just hovering, whirring. I watched in wonder. I began to realize that the medicine was with me, and that this was its nature.
Diego told us that Huachuma is the Grandfather spirit medicine, where Ayahuasca is the Grandmother. That He would sit with us and show us connection with Nature. That process unfolded beautifully.
I stood up, made my way to the bathroom. I felt like I might have diarrhea, but no problems. The room, though, felt small and claustrophobic. I got out as quickly as possible. I made my way to a round hill in the front yard, next to Jascha I sat for some time. I had already removed by shoes and socks. On the hill, I shed my long sleeve shirt and rolled up my jeans. The sun was warm, and I baked. We sat silently like cats. I noticed a pool of water standing in the grass, in a patch of clover. I considered going to it but couldn´t move. I stretched. Jascha left. After some time, I went to the pool, slowly walked into it, and it was delicious! The water was slightly cool, and the clover was silky soft. Amazing! Tanja walked by, and we grinned at each other. She wandere away, and I went to the small wooden bridge over the small stream. I lay back for a moment, then yearned to put my feet in...the water was frigid and wonderful! I trailed my feet in and out, and when they were too cold, I put myself back on the bridge to warm again.
I eventually slid over to the steep bank of the stream, belly down in the grass. It was soft and lush. I watched this small, delightful world in its process. Tall grasses trailed in the gentle current, some carrying brown algae. Bubbles of air, silvery, lined the mossy rocks on the sides just below the water´s surface. The colors in the water, browns and greens, and the reflections of the sky. Insects came to satisfy their thirst, to rest. And it hit me, this is so simple, the way to live my life. These creatures, bees and flies, don´t care a bit about each other´s comings and goings, there is no drama, no worries, no judgement. Just being, doing what is natural. Mmm... then Diego walked by very slowly and leaned down, mandarin? he asked. I took the half fruit from him and thanked him. He walked on and I looked at the mandarin pieces. Tears came into my eyes as I was taken by the beauty of the fruit. Mother Earth is so good to us, not only providing for our hunger, but in such a beautiful perfection! I let the tears flow, placing one wedge into my mouth, taking it in with deep gratitude. I cried silently, overwhelmed. The tears left as easily as they came, and I dried my eyes. Tanja walked by, and I offered her half of my half, and she accepted it, walking away.
I stayed with the stream for awhile longer, eventually needing to use the toilet again. When I went inside the bathroom, it felt as if I was entering a two-dimensional world, flat and too confined for my state of being, connected to the whole of nature. When I left, I went to our fruit table, and shared other fruits with the others who were there. So amazingly good! After a few minutes, I left, not wanting to speak. I took my bottle of water and my journal to the back yard gardens.
My intention for this experience was twofold, yet simple: to learn to listen more deeply and to remember the place I had experienced during my previous Ayahuasca journey. As the day unfolded, the first, listening, became primary.
Walking back to the gardens was a sensory delight! The varieties of grass and earth were amazing, and my feet loved the ground. Some dry, some wet, all soft and inviting. I went first to a place in the sun and sat in the grass. It took a moment to realize that the grass was wet, having been recently watered. My jeans were quickly wet, too, but I didn´t care! Dirty feet, wet pants, who cares! I sat, breathed, and heard the most spectacular thing: the earth drinking! All around me, the land was absorbing water, hungrily taking it all in! Amazing!
The sun got to me, and I moved to what would be my final resting place for the day. In the dappled shade of a young pine, surrounded by a garden of sage in bloom with purple flowers. Near the red house, the herb garden with rosemary, near the daisies and in the lush, green grass. I reclined there, following the waves of insight and splendor until it was time for food.
The small world of the grass opened up to me. The tiny insects, the tiny flowers, the intricate patterns in the grass, a lacy underworld of the most decadent beauty, so many details, all perfect. Again, I wept as I felt the honor of being invited into this place. The tiny spiral burrs have such beautiful details, and their flowers are tiny and yellow. The fallen flowers from the sage were fuzzy, a mixed palette of pink, white, and purple. I realized there were many, and began making a tiny cairn-altar, stacking one tiny petal on top of the other. Several times I tried, yet after four flowers it would collapse each time.
I continued to hear the earth drinking and drying, the bees taking the nectar from the sage flowers, and an onslaught of insights came to me: about right relationship, feminine-masculine energy balance, the rhythm of nature, day and night, being vs. doing, language, and the role of humans in this world. It came so fast, so much. I wrote for hours, trying to catch this incredible gift of understanding that felt like not only all the answers for how to live, but it felt like the greatest secrets in the universe were being revealed to me. I went back and forth between furiously writing and returning to the small world that was my new home. The shadow shifted, and I shifted with it, trying to keep from being too sunburned.
The day began cold, became so wonderfully warm, and began to return to cold. The others came and went; sometimes we exchanged a word or two, other times only glances. We were all in a place of deep silence and receptivity, enrapt in joy and learning: true communion. To others we surely looked like a pack of lazy togs, but to me, it felt like the most wonderful way of BEING in the world. I asked myself over and over, why have I never done this before?! This was the most valuable way of spending a day, ever, ever in my whole life. Silent, no-thinking, in my body completely. No fear at all. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin nor in any place in the world. I was whole and embraced. It was a day in the grace of creation.
Eventually, Diego came out and told us that it was time to eat. I didn´t care about eating, and had only taken the fruit others gave me during the day, not seeking it out for myself. I took a few photos of my place, where I had spent the afternoon in deep contemplation, hoping to be able to go back to that place through these images. Then, I joined the others for food. Going into the house was absurd...such a strange, unfamiliar space. I couldn´t understand it. But the food was good, and I took it in slowly. A wonderful veggie dish - potatoes in a sauce with rice. We ate mostly in silence. Lemonade, bread, cheese, nuts, raisins. Their sun was a ball of joy, laughing, playing, so much energy! He took turns playing with us all, wrestling, squealing, jumping, bread-stealing, and he eventually ran away with both my blue scarf and my camera! It was fun, to come back into ordinary reality by playing with one who lives in the state of mind that we drank bitter cactus in order to share for one day!
The medicine took its time leaving my body, all of us felt it for many more hours. We sat out under the trees as the light of day faded away, adding layers of clothing as the coolness settled in. We shared a bowl of fruit. Eventually Melissa and I walked into town to meet Kody, who had gone in before us. We wanted to take some more food to ground us further. Pizza at Ulrike´s. And sharing about our lives. I love all of these people so much. My heart has opened to them, to hear them, to receive them. I don´t feel concerned at all about the way I´m perceived. I feel easy, comfortable, without worries. I am indeed getting help and practice with learning to be with others in open, honest relationship, and I´m grateful!
Kody is now staying at Paz y Luz, and we met up a bit after 8am to walk to Diego´s. The others planning to partake of Huachuma were outside chatting, and we joined them. Linden was there, too, and getting ready to leave. The six of us waited for Diego, and a little after 9am, he and Milagros came outside. I asked if it was okay if I joined, and it was fine. We all gathered around beside the temple, sitting on tree-stump benches, sitting around a tree-stump table, beneath the canopy of eucalyptus trees. Diego told us a few things about what to expect of the experience. It could go on for many hours, but ours would be around 8 or so. Early in the experience, we could eat some fruits, but not bananas, though. Too grounding. Any other food early on would make us vomit. Otherwise, purging was unlikely. We might feel inclined to walk after awhile, but we shouldn´t go too far, and especially not to the center of town. People who were not with the medicine might look like ghosts. It would be possible to have conversations and move around normally, but in general, we were asked to enjoy the gardens and stay close to Melissa Wasi. The medicine would take about an hour to take effect, and it would come in gentle waves, but could go on for a long time without food. So, at around 5pm or so, Milagros would make us some simple food to bring us out of the experience.
Feeling informed as much as possible, it was time to drink the medicine. We were asked how many spoons of the pale green powder: two for a mild experience, three for a strong one, and four for a very strong one. The powder, made by Diego, was mixed with water, and would need to be stirred again just before drinking since it would settle quickly. Almost as an afterthought, Diego added that the taste was, well...it made Ayahuasca taste delicious by comparison. We went around one by one. Setting silent intentions, making a prayer. I chose three spoons, feelins certain, and sure that this experience was deeply right. The taste wasn´t too bitter, not so bad at all.
Since none of us had really eaten, Diego took his motorcycle into town to buy fruit for us to eat throughout the day. We all talked for awhile, then, one by one, we drifted away to find spots alone in the gardens.
I chose my initial spot under the trees, facing toward the mountains. A line of tall plants with bright blue flowers stood in front of me, and I leaned back against the tree. Waiting. I could feel the medicine come into me, but it was gentle, just as I had been told it would be. The bright blues and greens became brighter, more vivid. I tried to focus on these sacred mountains, but my attention was drawn down to the ground. I thought of Linda Hogan, writing about sky people and earth people, and realized that my own perspective was being drawn toward the latter. Down to the small world went my attention.
I sat with my back against the tree for awhile. Then, I spread my sarong to recline on the ground. The sun was warm, and the effect of the medicine was slow to come. I was face up for awhile, feeling sleepy and comfortable, and eventually rolled over to my belly. Then, a new world became visible to me. My first companion was a black fly. Not the usual type, but one whose winds were shaped like a kite, with velvety soft parts, dense black, and then a fringe of gossamer, translucent shimmering light. He landed, then flew, then landed, then flew. He came closer, then went farther, landing on the fragile stems of grass. When he moved, he was light and fast. When he was still, he was utterly still. I begged for him to come over, to be with me, but he never did. My attention was then drawn by the sound of a large hummingbird about ten feet up. He, too, darted from side to side in the air, not going to any flowers, just hovering, whirring. I watched in wonder. I began to realize that the medicine was with me, and that this was its nature.
Diego told us that Huachuma is the Grandfather spirit medicine, where Ayahuasca is the Grandmother. That He would sit with us and show us connection with Nature. That process unfolded beautifully.
I stood up, made my way to the bathroom. I felt like I might have diarrhea, but no problems. The room, though, felt small and claustrophobic. I got out as quickly as possible. I made my way to a round hill in the front yard, next to Jascha I sat for some time. I had already removed by shoes and socks. On the hill, I shed my long sleeve shirt and rolled up my jeans. The sun was warm, and I baked. We sat silently like cats. I noticed a pool of water standing in the grass, in a patch of clover. I considered going to it but couldn´t move. I stretched. Jascha left. After some time, I went to the pool, slowly walked into it, and it was delicious! The water was slightly cool, and the clover was silky soft. Amazing! Tanja walked by, and we grinned at each other. She wandere away, and I went to the small wooden bridge over the small stream. I lay back for a moment, then yearned to put my feet in...the water was frigid and wonderful! I trailed my feet in and out, and when they were too cold, I put myself back on the bridge to warm again.
I eventually slid over to the steep bank of the stream, belly down in the grass. It was soft and lush. I watched this small, delightful world in its process. Tall grasses trailed in the gentle current, some carrying brown algae. Bubbles of air, silvery, lined the mossy rocks on the sides just below the water´s surface. The colors in the water, browns and greens, and the reflections of the sky. Insects came to satisfy their thirst, to rest. And it hit me, this is so simple, the way to live my life. These creatures, bees and flies, don´t care a bit about each other´s comings and goings, there is no drama, no worries, no judgement. Just being, doing what is natural. Mmm... then Diego walked by very slowly and leaned down, mandarin? he asked. I took the half fruit from him and thanked him. He walked on and I looked at the mandarin pieces. Tears came into my eyes as I was taken by the beauty of the fruit. Mother Earth is so good to us, not only providing for our hunger, but in such a beautiful perfection! I let the tears flow, placing one wedge into my mouth, taking it in with deep gratitude. I cried silently, overwhelmed. The tears left as easily as they came, and I dried my eyes. Tanja walked by, and I offered her half of my half, and she accepted it, walking away.
I stayed with the stream for awhile longer, eventually needing to use the toilet again. When I went inside the bathroom, it felt as if I was entering a two-dimensional world, flat and too confined for my state of being, connected to the whole of nature. When I left, I went to our fruit table, and shared other fruits with the others who were there. So amazingly good! After a few minutes, I left, not wanting to speak. I took my bottle of water and my journal to the back yard gardens.
My intention for this experience was twofold, yet simple: to learn to listen more deeply and to remember the place I had experienced during my previous Ayahuasca journey. As the day unfolded, the first, listening, became primary.
Walking back to the gardens was a sensory delight! The varieties of grass and earth were amazing, and my feet loved the ground. Some dry, some wet, all soft and inviting. I went first to a place in the sun and sat in the grass. It took a moment to realize that the grass was wet, having been recently watered. My jeans were quickly wet, too, but I didn´t care! Dirty feet, wet pants, who cares! I sat, breathed, and heard the most spectacular thing: the earth drinking! All around me, the land was absorbing water, hungrily taking it all in! Amazing!
The sun got to me, and I moved to what would be my final resting place for the day. In the dappled shade of a young pine, surrounded by a garden of sage in bloom with purple flowers. Near the red house, the herb garden with rosemary, near the daisies and in the lush, green grass. I reclined there, following the waves of insight and splendor until it was time for food.
The small world of the grass opened up to me. The tiny insects, the tiny flowers, the intricate patterns in the grass, a lacy underworld of the most decadent beauty, so many details, all perfect. Again, I wept as I felt the honor of being invited into this place. The tiny spiral burrs have such beautiful details, and their flowers are tiny and yellow. The fallen flowers from the sage were fuzzy, a mixed palette of pink, white, and purple. I realized there were many, and began making a tiny cairn-altar, stacking one tiny petal on top of the other. Several times I tried, yet after four flowers it would collapse each time.
I continued to hear the earth drinking and drying, the bees taking the nectar from the sage flowers, and an onslaught of insights came to me: about right relationship, feminine-masculine energy balance, the rhythm of nature, day and night, being vs. doing, language, and the role of humans in this world. It came so fast, so much. I wrote for hours, trying to catch this incredible gift of understanding that felt like not only all the answers for how to live, but it felt like the greatest secrets in the universe were being revealed to me. I went back and forth between furiously writing and returning to the small world that was my new home. The shadow shifted, and I shifted with it, trying to keep from being too sunburned.
The day began cold, became so wonderfully warm, and began to return to cold. The others came and went; sometimes we exchanged a word or two, other times only glances. We were all in a place of deep silence and receptivity, enrapt in joy and learning: true communion. To others we surely looked like a pack of lazy togs, but to me, it felt like the most wonderful way of BEING in the world. I asked myself over and over, why have I never done this before?! This was the most valuable way of spending a day, ever, ever in my whole life. Silent, no-thinking, in my body completely. No fear at all. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin nor in any place in the world. I was whole and embraced. It was a day in the grace of creation.
Eventually, Diego came out and told us that it was time to eat. I didn´t care about eating, and had only taken the fruit others gave me during the day, not seeking it out for myself. I took a few photos of my place, where I had spent the afternoon in deep contemplation, hoping to be able to go back to that place through these images. Then, I joined the others for food. Going into the house was absurd...such a strange, unfamiliar space. I couldn´t understand it. But the food was good, and I took it in slowly. A wonderful veggie dish - potatoes in a sauce with rice. We ate mostly in silence. Lemonade, bread, cheese, nuts, raisins. Their sun was a ball of joy, laughing, playing, so much energy! He took turns playing with us all, wrestling, squealing, jumping, bread-stealing, and he eventually ran away with both my blue scarf and my camera! It was fun, to come back into ordinary reality by playing with one who lives in the state of mind that we drank bitter cactus in order to share for one day!
The medicine took its time leaving my body, all of us felt it for many more hours. We sat out under the trees as the light of day faded away, adding layers of clothing as the coolness settled in. We shared a bowl of fruit. Eventually Melissa and I walked into town to meet Kody, who had gone in before us. We wanted to take some more food to ground us further. Pizza at Ulrike´s. And sharing about our lives. I love all of these people so much. My heart has opened to them, to hear them, to receive them. I don´t feel concerned at all about the way I´m perceived. I feel easy, comfortable, without worries. I am indeed getting help and practice with learning to be with others in open, honest relationship, and I´m grateful!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Huachuma Journal, July 5th
This series of writings were written in the midst of my day-long ceremony with San Pedro, Huachuma. I am unable to include sketches and drawings, to my regret, since symbolic communication became integral to my experience. What I am including below is unedited, exactly as it was written in the midst of this ecstatic journey.
_________________________________________________
Have joined in a day of San Pedro - Huachuma. Am just beginning to feel the plant come into me. Six of us and Diego.
_______________________________________________
Why are there words? And why can´t I always feel this immediate connection with the world around me, all other beings? What is this thin line of language in the midst of the full reality of the world? And what are the powers of these shapes of language? They keep me from really listening to the deeper rhythm of the world...and yet, they are my acknowledgement of my place within it, of my point of brightness in the midst of so many others, my sacrifice, my celebration of being alive in the whole of it all!
_________________________________________________
I am sitting in the wet, drinking grass and a tiny, translucent worm is inching its way across my foot, and I can HEAR the earth drinking in the morning´s water offering, and...and the whole of existence is breathing, drinking, absorbing, being. None of it is in conflict. All of it is ALREADY WHOLE. I get it now. The tiniest environments mirror the biggest. This is the cosmic mandala of the wet, hot, drinking, breathing earth.
The warmth of the sun...this is the greatest pleasure...my skin is drinking it in as the earth around me slowly consumes the moisture. Water. It´s ALL water... the sun is too strong for long, though!
__________________________________________________
I am with tears for the second time today. For all the days I have not lived with listening and sensitivity, for all the tiny lives that have gone on, unnoticed, by me...right here in the grass. I have made a cairn of tiny, fuzzy flowers, crowned with a spiral burr...and that is my day´s discovery. That this tiny world in the grass is a lacy mandala of verdant life, and even smaller and more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. The fine lines and vines and veins and pattern s, and the variation in colors, a tiny yellow flower just there...oh, this world is beautiful beyond imagining.
______________________________________________________
It occurs to me that the whole world is a plant world! Grandmother Rosemary is close by, baking in the warm sun, her gnarly hair glistening in the sunlight with blossoms open to the sky. Dragonflies mating, sunning themselves. Flowers...oh, so many flowers! And the distant stream...the water is alive, graceful, so beautiful! How is it that I don´t spend all day everyday for my whole life just witnessing the magnficence of the world?! What more could I ever hope to know or do in this life, than to witness the grass-world? The flower-world? The water-world? The tree-world?
Silence and listening...being empty to contain silenc e...even though these words flow through, they seem to come from somewhere other than my mind! The deep silence within me is the first necessary thing! And arriving at that point...the practice to always return to this still point of silence...when this is the center of my being, then listening can begin. Listening does not take place in the spaces between making sound or speaking...listening comes as a result of being empty of all of that...silence must happen first, then listening has room to flower.
___________________________________________________
Watching the bees in the sage...this is why I cannot spend my whole life witnessing the world...each part has its role...all of life is in right relationship with itself, and the giving and taking and receiving: this is reciprocity! How can I live with this degree of grace and balance? Living within the rhythm of the day...the cycle of light, of living and surrenderin g to the flow...dampness and water and drying and the smells of the rich earth becoming richer, drier...the smell of morning´s damp femininity is being consumed by the dry heat of afternoon. I am understanding the natural role of feminine and masculine balance...the yin and yang...the cycle of it all. I get it now! And in order to know myself, be myself, I must understand this. I must now try to feel any conflict or create any conflict within this balance! For knowing myself, embracing my whole self is the result of simply existing in the joy of watching the current of feminine life flowing through me. I am this earth! I am not a being of this earth, I AM this earth! May I always live knowing this for the rest of my whole life!!
______________________________________________________
And in order to be in relationship, all I must do is be! Not do...it is not a matter of action. Love is not a matter of ac tion, but a presence that flows out of simply being whole.
This is the remembering. The place of simply being whole in my own skin, in my own mind, in my own heart, and also feeling the relationship of that wholeness in ever expanding concentric circles of life, all of it!!!
(sketches here...a spiral, the burr...a sand dollar like shape, and a triangular swiriling image with spirals on each corner, as well as another triangular image with loops at each point...)
The triangle image, not unlike my name... A.
What is the shape about...three...looking...edges...facing each other, flowing intersecting...it is the essence of community. And language too...
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Numbers and letters all coming too quickly, the energy of language, the seed in the infinite...breathe, slow down!!!
The code of it all, I feel it...the truth of it all, the code of life...there is no clear answer, no intersection of clarity, only a shape of knowing, of connection, and that shape is:
(more sketches...the same three sided triangle with spirals, then the three sided triangle with loops on the points, two superimposed over each other, to make six loops...)
I saw this months ago, or weeks, anyway. In my parting ceremony with my tree, this image came to me, flowing, moving triangles...no explanation, no words, only images.
This, then somehow...this way of knowing with symbols and language...how is that the same as the bee collecting his sustenance from the soft, purple sage flowers...it doesn´t seem the same at all, yet it is somehow...that my place in creation is to harvest the symbolic nectar of this divine universe?! And that is the cosmic mandala of life itself...but what does it mean, the flower, the star?
To hold the enthusiasm of childlike wonder with the stillness of an adult...that is what I feel like right now! Enough understanding to hold back a bit, not cause harm in the midst of my exploration...and isn´t that what it´s all about!
(Sketch of triangle with spiral points...)
This symbol is somehow about separation, or of meeting, but not merging.
(Sketch of double triangle with loops, superimposed...)
And this is about union, merging...whole alone, and still able to merge, to unite...and while the first symbol felt so good at first, now it brings me some sadness... and this second symbol, yes, the second symbol, union, wholeness...and it holds within it the seed of the first...a wholeness that contains all of itself, and also that is in the same concentric circles that live in this beautiful juicy man darin, in the onion, in the face of the flowers, buried within the sweet, dewy folds of the rose. The seed of life, as well as the most beautiful expression of it all...all at the same time, it´s almost too much to take!!!
___________________________________________________
The richness is in the slow, the small, the simple. That´s also alive in this symbol (spiral triangle sketch)...the trinity...this is the Sacred Feminine.
Tendrils of afternoon shadows trailing across my skin, across the land...deep warmth giving way to coolness...the promise of night, of shadow, of darkness, and even of death. To return to this microcosm, to feel the rich grass growing up through my flesh, of the ultimate surrender...of that I am not afraid; how can I die to every moment, to surrender myself to this eternal rhythm?! I need not surrender to it, there is no activity involved that is necessary. I must only NOT INTERRUPT that surrender, that rhythm...
_______________________________________________
I am here with all of my relations...
(sketches...)
I´m so glad that Grandmother Rosemary is here. I´ve taken a few of her leaves into my mouth, and OH! So many sensations! Sweet, pungent, sharp, sparkling...she makes me want to inhale. She brings me fully into my skin, and asks for more water. Yes, water!
_________________________________________________
Today is a day that I have known how to make altars and to honor the beauty and life of the universe, grand and infinitesmal. My whole being has lived in full reverence. May every other day of my life reflect what I have known here, today.
(Sketch of healing hand with symbols and energy radiating out from the fingers...)
_________________________________________________
Have joined in a day of San Pedro - Huachuma. Am just beginning to feel the plant come into me. Six of us and Diego.
_______________________________________________
Why are there words? And why can´t I always feel this immediate connection with the world around me, all other beings? What is this thin line of language in the midst of the full reality of the world? And what are the powers of these shapes of language? They keep me from really listening to the deeper rhythm of the world...and yet, they are my acknowledgement of my place within it, of my point of brightness in the midst of so many others, my sacrifice, my celebration of being alive in the whole of it all!
_________________________________________________
I am sitting in the wet, drinking grass and a tiny, translucent worm is inching its way across my foot, and I can HEAR the earth drinking in the morning´s water offering, and...and the whole of existence is breathing, drinking, absorbing, being. None of it is in conflict. All of it is ALREADY WHOLE. I get it now. The tiniest environments mirror the biggest. This is the cosmic mandala of the wet, hot, drinking, breathing earth.
The warmth of the sun...this is the greatest pleasure...my skin is drinking it in as the earth around me slowly consumes the moisture. Water. It´s ALL water... the sun is too strong for long, though!
__________________________________________________
I am with tears for the second time today. For all the days I have not lived with listening and sensitivity, for all the tiny lives that have gone on, unnoticed, by me...right here in the grass. I have made a cairn of tiny, fuzzy flowers, crowned with a spiral burr...and that is my day´s discovery. That this tiny world in the grass is a lacy mandala of verdant life, and even smaller and more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. The fine lines and vines and veins and pattern s, and the variation in colors, a tiny yellow flower just there...oh, this world is beautiful beyond imagining.
______________________________________________________
It occurs to me that the whole world is a plant world! Grandmother Rosemary is close by, baking in the warm sun, her gnarly hair glistening in the sunlight with blossoms open to the sky. Dragonflies mating, sunning themselves. Flowers...oh, so many flowers! And the distant stream...the water is alive, graceful, so beautiful! How is it that I don´t spend all day everyday for my whole life just witnessing the magnficence of the world?! What more could I ever hope to know or do in this life, than to witness the grass-world? The flower-world? The water-world? The tree-world?
Silence and listening...being empty to contain silenc e...even though these words flow through, they seem to come from somewhere other than my mind! The deep silence within me is the first necessary thing! And arriving at that point...the practice to always return to this still point of silence...when this is the center of my being, then listening can begin. Listening does not take place in the spaces between making sound or speaking...listening comes as a result of being empty of all of that...silence must happen first, then listening has room to flower.
___________________________________________________
Watching the bees in the sage...this is why I cannot spend my whole life witnessing the world...each part has its role...all of life is in right relationship with itself, and the giving and taking and receiving: this is reciprocity! How can I live with this degree of grace and balance? Living within the rhythm of the day...the cycle of light, of living and surrenderin g to the flow...dampness and water and drying and the smells of the rich earth becoming richer, drier...the smell of morning´s damp femininity is being consumed by the dry heat of afternoon. I am understanding the natural role of feminine and masculine balance...the yin and yang...the cycle of it all. I get it now! And in order to know myself, be myself, I must understand this. I must now try to feel any conflict or create any conflict within this balance! For knowing myself, embracing my whole self is the result of simply existing in the joy of watching the current of feminine life flowing through me. I am this earth! I am not a being of this earth, I AM this earth! May I always live knowing this for the rest of my whole life!!
______________________________________________________
And in order to be in relationship, all I must do is be! Not do...it is not a matter of action. Love is not a matter of ac tion, but a presence that flows out of simply being whole.
This is the remembering. The place of simply being whole in my own skin, in my own mind, in my own heart, and also feeling the relationship of that wholeness in ever expanding concentric circles of life, all of it!!!
(sketches here...a spiral, the burr...a sand dollar like shape, and a triangular swiriling image with spirals on each corner, as well as another triangular image with loops at each point...)
The triangle image, not unlike my name... A.
What is the shape about...three...looking...edges...facing each other, flowing intersecting...it is the essence of community. And language too...
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Numbers and letters all coming too quickly, the energy of language, the seed in the infinite...breathe, slow down!!!
The code of it all, I feel it...the truth of it all, the code of life...there is no clear answer, no intersection of clarity, only a shape of knowing, of connection, and that shape is:
(more sketches...the same three sided triangle with spirals, then the three sided triangle with loops on the points, two superimposed over each other, to make six loops...)
I saw this months ago, or weeks, anyway. In my parting ceremony with my tree, this image came to me, flowing, moving triangles...no explanation, no words, only images.
This, then somehow...this way of knowing with symbols and language...how is that the same as the bee collecting his sustenance from the soft, purple sage flowers...it doesn´t seem the same at all, yet it is somehow...that my place in creation is to harvest the symbolic nectar of this divine universe?! And that is the cosmic mandala of life itself...but what does it mean, the flower, the star?
To hold the enthusiasm of childlike wonder with the stillness of an adult...that is what I feel like right now! Enough understanding to hold back a bit, not cause harm in the midst of my exploration...and isn´t that what it´s all about!
(Sketch of triangle with spiral points...)
This symbol is somehow about separation, or of meeting, but not merging.
(Sketch of double triangle with loops, superimposed...)
And this is about union, merging...whole alone, and still able to merge, to unite...and while the first symbol felt so good at first, now it brings me some sadness... and this second symbol, yes, the second symbol, union, wholeness...and it holds within it the seed of the first...a wholeness that contains all of itself, and also that is in the same concentric circles that live in this beautiful juicy man darin, in the onion, in the face of the flowers, buried within the sweet, dewy folds of the rose. The seed of life, as well as the most beautiful expression of it all...all at the same time, it´s almost too much to take!!!
___________________________________________________
The richness is in the slow, the small, the simple. That´s also alive in this symbol (spiral triangle sketch)...the trinity...this is the Sacred Feminine.
Tendrils of afternoon shadows trailing across my skin, across the land...deep warmth giving way to coolness...the promise of night, of shadow, of darkness, and even of death. To return to this microcosm, to feel the rich grass growing up through my flesh, of the ultimate surrender...of that I am not afraid; how can I die to every moment, to surrender myself to this eternal rhythm?! I need not surrender to it, there is no activity involved that is necessary. I must only NOT INTERRUPT that surrender, that rhythm...
_______________________________________________
I am here with all of my relations...
(sketches...)
I´m so glad that Grandmother Rosemary is here. I´ve taken a few of her leaves into my mouth, and OH! So many sensations! Sweet, pungent, sharp, sparkling...she makes me want to inhale. She brings me fully into my skin, and asks for more water. Yes, water!
_________________________________________________
Today is a day that I have known how to make altars and to honor the beauty and life of the universe, grand and infinitesmal. My whole being has lived in full reverence. May every other day of my life reflect what I have known here, today.
(Sketch of healing hand with symbols and energy radiating out from the fingers...)
Ceremony with Diego, July 2nd
I wasn´t really nervous for Wednesday´s ceremony. I was glad to be sharing a final ceremony with wonderful people. We were 18 again. I arrived at 7pm, as Diego had suggested, and to my surprise, there was no formal together time, as the others thought there would be. We sat around and talked until about 830pm or 845pm, and then I made my way into the temple. I was seated between two men, Chris and Monserrat, to the right side of the door. I was cold and put on a second pair of socks and got a heavy blanket. The energy in the room was scattered, chaotic.
We went around and drank. I thought it seemed like a smaller amount of the medicine, and had already mentally prepared myself for the possibility of a second cup, if nec essary. I sat down, wrapped in my blanket, and awaited the medicine´s arrival.
Nothing happened for a very long time. I was beginning to doubt that it would have any effect. When Diego asked if anyone wanted more medicine, I considered it, but the heaviness and buzzing had just begun to take me. I sat still and waited, knowing I could ask for more later if necessary.
Soon after, Diego put on a recording of some kind of space music, and almost immediately I felt a sense of dread. My mind begged, oh, no! Please make this music stop!! I began to feel trapped by it, and my field of vision was taken for awhile by strange, unpleasant images, while my felt-sense was full of dread and resistance. The sound came down from above, taking me with it into this strange, alien vibe, and I didn´t like it at all. It felt cold and stark, impersonal. It came on like a descending fog, thick and sulfurous-yellow. It wound down its crystalline vine, taking me with it.
Images of space, something like a horror-film roller coaster, colored balls of light, like gumballs, rolling up and down, looking like an abacus of loops agains a midnight background. Slow, easy, yet heavy motion of these spheres, moving along their tracks, in a purposeless, empty way. Then a world of cold steel: metal, gray, icy...sharp edges, robotic, inhuman. I realized, eyes closed, that there were unseen, but felt beings who had cut open my left torso. I tried to shake them off, opening my eyes. The beings were operating on me, planting these geometric shapes into my body, healing me in some way. From there, I lose sequence, and many images are gone from my memory entirely. My purge came in the middle of this next part. And I was beginning to think there might be no purge; every time it would mount, I would feel it move deeper into me, absorbed back into my body. But the purge came, and it wasn´t hard or or something specific, just a release.
Images of a variety of places and environments. A moment of feeling that I was breathing the room, or that we were all linked and were being breathed together. A momentary feeling of such deep comfort in my body, of truly being at home in my own skin. And then a wiggly, colorful creature, moving like a light with tentacles...I knew that this represented the true center of my being...yet it was strange to see a cartoonish creature as my soul!
The strange music went on and on, and I did eventually lose track of my dislike of it, though its pressure on me never let up until it was over. An image of red earth, an adobe house, with an altar. Then two sets of female hands reached down and pulled me up to some other place.
This next part continues to puzzle me, though not in a troubling way. The images of this other place or places are totally gone, but the feeling I was left with was so powerful. A feeling of home, of comfort, of familiarity at each of the images. A feeling so powerful that as I fluttered my eyes open to see the room, I was puzzled by this reality I live in. It seemed flat and distant, a memory, compared to this other place these hands pulled me into; the other place was filled with a sense that THAT was the true world, my true home. Relief to be back there, a deep sense of home, of belonging, of being returned to my origin...the words can´t quite capture the feeling, but I n know that it was the most powerful sense that I´ve ever known. I was pulled up into this place a few brief times, like being pulled just barely above the surface of the water to be released to sink again...maybe 3 -5 times in all. After this, my visions tapered off, little by little.
In the midst of these final visions and feelings, I heard remember! And it became a thousand voices chanting this, remember! It echoed in my being, and I found myself forming the word with my own silent speech, too, remember who you are! I knew it was related to my felt sense of returning home, of that other, more real world. But remember exactly what? I didn´t understand.
The music became more prominent in my awareness, and it became so exquisitely beautiful. I still wondered, how to be with others? And the medicine made it clear that it was up to me. Practice, I was told. That is my process of integration to work with, I understood. Yes, I was taken to the center of my being, but it is up to me to embrace living from that place.
The music was amazing! Guru guru wahe guru, Baso, and others, I embraced singing the harmony, dropping my fear and self-consciousness. I sat opposite Diego in the room, and it was beautiful! The harmony is what I´ve sung with recordings for so long, but to sing with another being, live? Oh, my! I was so filled with music, so full in my belly with it. And it felt like the more I sang, the fuller I got, and if I stopped singing, I would burst! I was a sphere, and gradually, the dark pieces of matter surrounding me were broken away by beams of radiant light. I have never, never felt better or happier than then. So much energy, flowing through me, with my breath, between the harmony was gentle space, the most extraordinary feeling of sound...my body was music, light!
At one point Diego left the room. The music had been going for awhile, and then nothing. There was a restlessness that swept the room. I knew I wanted to play, I felt it, it grew stronger. I felt I should ask Diego, but he kept being gone. The silence begged me to play, and I knew I had to! I thought to ask the others, but I couldn´t get the words out. When I could no longer resist, I pulled out my flute and played. It was wonderful to give this music to the ceremony, to improvise! At some point toward the end of my improv, Diego returned...I let the music wind down, feeling unsure if it was okay that I had played...oh, how amazing it was, though, to let the music flow through me in that space!
For the rest of the ceremony, I was in total bliss, a light body of music! O thers purged very late, and very powerfully. Weeping for some. The chaos that had swept through the room early in the ceremony settled into a deep release, followed by a thick, satiated silence, one of shared knowing. A very strong experience for all of us, and a deep sense of connection radiated, and still continues.
I enjoyed hugging, sharing with others, chatting, and I was in the best mood of my life! So much energy, I could have skipped home. After awhile, I cleaned my bucket, sait my goodbyes, and made my way home. I walked into my room at 343am.
Just as I was drifting off, I heard sounds outside my room. A tap against the window. Then boot steps outside my other window. I was wide awake then! A couple more strange sounds, but I drifted off to sleep anyway. In the morning, we all talked about hearing or feeling something outside that night. We were all troubled by it, and while I thought it was a person, the others believed that we had encountered spirits. I would prefer that to the idea that someone followed me home from ceremony!! Creepy!
We went around and drank. I thought it seemed like a smaller amount of the medicine, and had already mentally prepared myself for the possibility of a second cup, if nec essary. I sat down, wrapped in my blanket, and awaited the medicine´s arrival.
Nothing happened for a very long time. I was beginning to doubt that it would have any effect. When Diego asked if anyone wanted more medicine, I considered it, but the heaviness and buzzing had just begun to take me. I sat still and waited, knowing I could ask for more later if necessary.
Soon after, Diego put on a recording of some kind of space music, and almost immediately I felt a sense of dread. My mind begged, oh, no! Please make this music stop!! I began to feel trapped by it, and my field of vision was taken for awhile by strange, unpleasant images, while my felt-sense was full of dread and resistance. The sound came down from above, taking me with it into this strange, alien vibe, and I didn´t like it at all. It felt cold and stark, impersonal. It came on like a descending fog, thick and sulfurous-yellow. It wound down its crystalline vine, taking me with it.
Images of space, something like a horror-film roller coaster, colored balls of light, like gumballs, rolling up and down, looking like an abacus of loops agains a midnight background. Slow, easy, yet heavy motion of these spheres, moving along their tracks, in a purposeless, empty way. Then a world of cold steel: metal, gray, icy...sharp edges, robotic, inhuman. I realized, eyes closed, that there were unseen, but felt beings who had cut open my left torso. I tried to shake them off, opening my eyes. The beings were operating on me, planting these geometric shapes into my body, healing me in some way. From there, I lose sequence, and many images are gone from my memory entirely. My purge came in the middle of this next part. And I was beginning to think there might be no purge; every time it would mount, I would feel it move deeper into me, absorbed back into my body. But the purge came, and it wasn´t hard or or something specific, just a release.
Images of a variety of places and environments. A moment of feeling that I was breathing the room, or that we were all linked and were being breathed together. A momentary feeling of such deep comfort in my body, of truly being at home in my own skin. And then a wiggly, colorful creature, moving like a light with tentacles...I knew that this represented the true center of my being...yet it was strange to see a cartoonish creature as my soul!
The strange music went on and on, and I did eventually lose track of my dislike of it, though its pressure on me never let up until it was over. An image of red earth, an adobe house, with an altar. Then two sets of female hands reached down and pulled me up to some other place.
This next part continues to puzzle me, though not in a troubling way. The images of this other place or places are totally gone, but the feeling I was left with was so powerful. A feeling of home, of comfort, of familiarity at each of the images. A feeling so powerful that as I fluttered my eyes open to see the room, I was puzzled by this reality I live in. It seemed flat and distant, a memory, compared to this other place these hands pulled me into; the other place was filled with a sense that THAT was the true world, my true home. Relief to be back there, a deep sense of home, of belonging, of being returned to my origin...the words can´t quite capture the feeling, but I n know that it was the most powerful sense that I´ve ever known. I was pulled up into this place a few brief times, like being pulled just barely above the surface of the water to be released to sink again...maybe 3 -5 times in all. After this, my visions tapered off, little by little.
In the midst of these final visions and feelings, I heard remember! And it became a thousand voices chanting this, remember! It echoed in my being, and I found myself forming the word with my own silent speech, too, remember who you are! I knew it was related to my felt sense of returning home, of that other, more real world. But remember exactly what? I didn´t understand.
The music became more prominent in my awareness, and it became so exquisitely beautiful. I still wondered, how to be with others? And the medicine made it clear that it was up to me. Practice, I was told. That is my process of integration to work with, I understood. Yes, I was taken to the center of my being, but it is up to me to embrace living from that place.
The music was amazing! Guru guru wahe guru, Baso, and others, I embraced singing the harmony, dropping my fear and self-consciousness. I sat opposite Diego in the room, and it was beautiful! The harmony is what I´ve sung with recordings for so long, but to sing with another being, live? Oh, my! I was so filled with music, so full in my belly with it. And it felt like the more I sang, the fuller I got, and if I stopped singing, I would burst! I was a sphere, and gradually, the dark pieces of matter surrounding me were broken away by beams of radiant light. I have never, never felt better or happier than then. So much energy, flowing through me, with my breath, between the harmony was gentle space, the most extraordinary feeling of sound...my body was music, light!
At one point Diego left the room. The music had been going for awhile, and then nothing. There was a restlessness that swept the room. I knew I wanted to play, I felt it, it grew stronger. I felt I should ask Diego, but he kept being gone. The silence begged me to play, and I knew I had to! I thought to ask the others, but I couldn´t get the words out. When I could no longer resist, I pulled out my flute and played. It was wonderful to give this music to the ceremony, to improvise! At some point toward the end of my improv, Diego returned...I let the music wind down, feeling unsure if it was okay that I had played...oh, how amazing it was, though, to let the music flow through me in that space!
For the rest of the ceremony, I was in total bliss, a light body of music! O thers purged very late, and very powerfully. Weeping for some. The chaos that had swept through the room early in the ceremony settled into a deep release, followed by a thick, satiated silence, one of shared knowing. A very strong experience for all of us, and a deep sense of connection radiated, and still continues.
I enjoyed hugging, sharing with others, chatting, and I was in the best mood of my life! So much energy, I could have skipped home. After awhile, I cleaned my bucket, sait my goodbyes, and made my way home. I walked into my room at 343am.
Just as I was drifting off, I heard sounds outside my room. A tap against the window. Then boot steps outside my other window. I was wide awake then! A couple more strange sounds, but I drifted off to sleep anyway. In the morning, we all talked about hearing or feeling something outside that night. We were all troubled by it, and while I thought it was a person, the others believed that we had encountered spirits. I would prefer that to the idea that someone followed me home from ceremony!! Creepy!
Reflections on Togetherness and Aloneness, 7/1-7/2
I am here to deepen my spiritual practice. To face my own crap. To be in ceremony, to grow! And anything or anyone that doesn´t serve this path must go. And now, my next ceremony intention is starting to emerge: togetherness and aloneness. I want to learn to be with others, but without losing my own center, to flow with the variations in community and solitude from a place of love, and with ease. I want to learn to fully receive others. To learn to listen to them, to be fully present to them. But all without losing my center, and without getting caught up in myself.
_________________________________________________________
Feeling good, and quiet. My yoga practice is deepening more than ever before. This morning I practiced for two hours, including my meditation; my mind is really beginning to open. I´m not feeling hurried to go on to the next thing. I´m just enjoying yoga while practicing yoga! So very beautiful!
I got a confirmation email from Diego, okaying my coming to ceremony tonight. One more ceremony with this beautiful group of people! Yesterday I had a hard choice to make. In the late morning, Javier knocked on my door, telling me that he had heard me playing the flute with drums the night before...except that I hadn´t been! He was sure, but I assured him that it wasn´t me. He then told me that he was heading to Tipon on Wednesday (today) to do San Pedro ceremony with some others. And he really wanted me to come. But I had already planned to do ceremony with Diego, and I told him as much. I asked if he would go again, and he said most likely yes. The choice was easy enough, though, I had already wanted to do ceremony with this group at Diego´s, and tonight is their final one. I am looking forward to doing ceremony with Javier sometime soon, though.
I´ve got a clear idea of what I´d like to declare as my intention for tonight´s ceremony:
TOGETHERNESS AND ALONENESS
I´ve been spending a lot of time alone in the last year, healing and finishing my degree. I´ve come to be more happy in my solitude, and have found great joy in living simply. But, as I´ve already written, I have been clinging to that, resisting getting too involved with others, besides my close community. Now, the time has come for me to consider the reasons for my resistance.
First, I have been resisting any scene that is involved with drinking and partying. And I know that´s because of my previous circles. I don´t want to be involved in anything like that ever, ever again. But I´m also in a very different place now. I am not going to attract that kind of toxic company to myself again. Yet in some way I´m holding on to that possibility. As someone said the other day, it´s time to rewrite my story!
I have been struggling to be comfortable with myself in the company of others here, and at home too. I just did it again just now, I fled Ulrike´s Cafe as soon as people I knew were starting to arrive. Now, yes, I want to be alone to concentrate on my writing. But the feeling of wanting to flee was strong in my body. Funny, I used to flee my body more, and tolerate social situations. Now I´m more likely to flee the situation. And I suppose that is somewhat better, since I am no longer abandoning myself! But I am also aware that I have been doing one or the other for the greater part of my life.
In essence, I tend not to be comfortable with myself in the presence of others. For whatever reason, I believe that I have to be somebody...as Paul put it yesterday, to perform. And if I don´t feel like performing, I flee into solitude. What would it take for me to feel comfortable with myself under all conditions? To be able to feel at ease with others, no matter what? Hmmmm...
It´s as if I can´t be myself with others. Not all others...I am clearly comfortable with my close friends and can be come comfortable - by force or effort - around those that I am often arround. But a feeling of ease doesn´t come easily with others. So, what do I have to face, or to release, in order to be at ease with myself in the company of others? Two things come to mind: First, be, not do. Second, accept myself as a being, and stop worrying about doing!
It all does come down to performing. And why is it that some people make me feel at ease immediately? No need to perform. I can just be myself with them, and I yearn for that. But for some reason, others make me feel the need to perform, to meet their expectations. To entertain them somehow. How much of that is my own intuitive sense, and how much of it is just me?
Surely there is a part of myself that wants to be accepted and loved. That part wants to perform, to be something special, worthy of the acceptance and love that I crave. But some people make me feel at ease right away. Is it their own self-acceptance and lack of expectations that makes me feel so comfortable? That surely plays some role.
And in romantic love relationships, I have felt for much of my life that I am not loveable by myself. That I must do things to make myself more special, worthy of love. And I have done a great deal of work with this self-love. I now know that I am special and loveable and attractive, and yet some of that still lingers. Habit? Sure. Once more, it´s time to rewrite this story.
One layer deeper: it´s about identity. Ego. And reinforcing the image of who I am. To get to the pure essence of my being, free of all images... the things that I like, or love, or do, they are not me. They are my story, but not my being.
So, that is something that must be shed. My identity. Ego death. Once my being is free of my identity, there is nothing keeping me from being exactly the same alone as in a crowd. So, my intention:
I ask that Mother Ayahuasca guide me through shedding the layers of myself that are not my pure being, and in doing so, bring me to encounter the pure essence of myself. And in doing this, it is my prayer that the obstacles and barriers between myself and others will be dissolved, leaving me free to be myself in all circumstances of aloneness and togetherness.
_________________________________________________________
Feeling good, and quiet. My yoga practice is deepening more than ever before. This morning I practiced for two hours, including my meditation; my mind is really beginning to open. I´m not feeling hurried to go on to the next thing. I´m just enjoying yoga while practicing yoga! So very beautiful!
I got a confirmation email from Diego, okaying my coming to ceremony tonight. One more ceremony with this beautiful group of people! Yesterday I had a hard choice to make. In the late morning, Javier knocked on my door, telling me that he had heard me playing the flute with drums the night before...except that I hadn´t been! He was sure, but I assured him that it wasn´t me. He then told me that he was heading to Tipon on Wednesday (today) to do San Pedro ceremony with some others. And he really wanted me to come. But I had already planned to do ceremony with Diego, and I told him as much. I asked if he would go again, and he said most likely yes. The choice was easy enough, though, I had already wanted to do ceremony with this group at Diego´s, and tonight is their final one. I am looking forward to doing ceremony with Javier sometime soon, though.
I´ve got a clear idea of what I´d like to declare as my intention for tonight´s ceremony:
TOGETHERNESS AND ALONENESS
I´ve been spending a lot of time alone in the last year, healing and finishing my degree. I´ve come to be more happy in my solitude, and have found great joy in living simply. But, as I´ve already written, I have been clinging to that, resisting getting too involved with others, besides my close community. Now, the time has come for me to consider the reasons for my resistance.
First, I have been resisting any scene that is involved with drinking and partying. And I know that´s because of my previous circles. I don´t want to be involved in anything like that ever, ever again. But I´m also in a very different place now. I am not going to attract that kind of toxic company to myself again. Yet in some way I´m holding on to that possibility. As someone said the other day, it´s time to rewrite my story!
I have been struggling to be comfortable with myself in the company of others here, and at home too. I just did it again just now, I fled Ulrike´s Cafe as soon as people I knew were starting to arrive. Now, yes, I want to be alone to concentrate on my writing. But the feeling of wanting to flee was strong in my body. Funny, I used to flee my body more, and tolerate social situations. Now I´m more likely to flee the situation. And I suppose that is somewhat better, since I am no longer abandoning myself! But I am also aware that I have been doing one or the other for the greater part of my life.
In essence, I tend not to be comfortable with myself in the presence of others. For whatever reason, I believe that I have to be somebody...as Paul put it yesterday, to perform. And if I don´t feel like performing, I flee into solitude. What would it take for me to feel comfortable with myself under all conditions? To be able to feel at ease with others, no matter what? Hmmmm...
It´s as if I can´t be myself with others. Not all others...I am clearly comfortable with my close friends and can be come comfortable - by force or effort - around those that I am often arround. But a feeling of ease doesn´t come easily with others. So, what do I have to face, or to release, in order to be at ease with myself in the company of others? Two things come to mind: First, be, not do. Second, accept myself as a being, and stop worrying about doing!
It all does come down to performing. And why is it that some people make me feel at ease immediately? No need to perform. I can just be myself with them, and I yearn for that. But for some reason, others make me feel the need to perform, to meet their expectations. To entertain them somehow. How much of that is my own intuitive sense, and how much of it is just me?
Surely there is a part of myself that wants to be accepted and loved. That part wants to perform, to be something special, worthy of the acceptance and love that I crave. But some people make me feel at ease right away. Is it their own self-acceptance and lack of expectations that makes me feel so comfortable? That surely plays some role.
And in romantic love relationships, I have felt for much of my life that I am not loveable by myself. That I must do things to make myself more special, worthy of love. And I have done a great deal of work with this self-love. I now know that I am special and loveable and attractive, and yet some of that still lingers. Habit? Sure. Once more, it´s time to rewrite this story.
One layer deeper: it´s about identity. Ego. And reinforcing the image of who I am. To get to the pure essence of my being, free of all images... the things that I like, or love, or do, they are not me. They are my story, but not my being.
So, that is something that must be shed. My identity. Ego death. Once my being is free of my identity, there is nothing keeping me from being exactly the same alone as in a crowd. So, my intention:
I ask that Mother Ayahuasca guide me through shedding the layers of myself that are not my pure being, and in doing so, bring me to encounter the pure essence of myself. And in doing this, it is my prayer that the obstacles and barriers between myself and others will be dissolved, leaving me free to be myself in all circumstances of aloneness and togetherness.
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