(pre-ceremony)
I´ve spent much of the last hour contemplating and meditating about my journey. I held my crystal in my right hand and my ceremony stone from Eduardo in my left. The vibrations from both of them were strong and clear. And I feel much clearer about the intention I´d like to set for tonight. There are so many aspects of myself that I´d like to heal, and so many things I want to learn. But in my time of preparation, the following is what spoke to me with the greatest clarity:
I want to surrender the doubts of mind and make the great leap into the heart, so that I may own and embrace my deepest truth.
I´ve been feeling so caught up in thinking since I got here, with a few exceptions. Even in my ceremony with Eduardo, my mind never fully gave way. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Internal dialogue. And while I feel much more rooted in the heart, much more myself, much more alive since that ceremony, I still have felt that my love is small, that my heart is restrained. Releasing anger is not the same thing as being filled with love. They are opposites, and the ground between them is zero. I am at zero. And I know that I have the capacity to burst into a cosmic mandala of lovingness, of heart-centered-ness. And to enter the realm of the heart is my intention.
I realize that for this to happen, I will have to release all that is keeping me from loving. All barriers to love must be blasted, burned, melted, blown away. And I pray that Mother Ayahuasca will gently and fully take me to meet these barriers within myself. I am ready and willing to remove them.
No, my capacity to love is not small. It is infinite. I want to enter into that capacity with all of my humanness, all of my wholeness. Mother Ayahuasca, guide me tonight to know love, to heal myself and all of life by living the path of the heart.
____________________________________________________
I´m in love with the whole of existence. I am grateful for my life!!!
____________________________________________________
(following the ceremony)
I was nervous to go to Diego´s house, why I´m not sure. I ended up walking past, enjoying the rich darkness of the waning moon night. Then, I gathered up my courage and rang the bell. Milagros let me in, didn´t know I was coming or what to do with me, and went to ask Diego. The group was in the temple, and had been since 6pm. I arrived at about 715pm. The answer was that I was to wait, and could wait in the house or go and return. I decided to hang around, to be near the fire. I played for while with their son, the little squealy ball of joy he is! We played peek-a-boo and hide the pen. Awesome kid! Then another person arrived, I can´t recall his name, but he´s been in Pisac for awhile, a younger guy from Philadelphia. We chatted and chewed coca leaves. Eventually the time came to go out to the temple for ceremony.
It was a crowd, 18 in all, my biggest ceremony so far. At first I was concerned about it being crowded, but it settled down just fine, and I ended up sitting between Milagros and a guy named Paul, also there for just one ceremony, from San Francisco, a clarinet player and music teacher. He was very nice, and rather attractive, too! I talked with him just a little, and settled down. I ended up using a poncho for a blanket and took an orange bucket. The ceremony began a little after 9pm.
We went around and drank one by one...kausay pach...a woman named Alexandra drank first, then Diego, then Milagros, then me...it came up so quick! I was feeling a little queasy already, feeling nervous and a bit uncomfortable not being a part of this large group there for the retreat. But I trusted that I was there, Diego had invited me to join anyway, and I hoped my queasiness would allow me to keep the medicine down, or event o take it all to begin with. But I was fine. I welcomed the medicine and felt it within me right away. I was mildly concerned that I might purge before we made it all the way around the circle. But I didn´t. Everyone drank and the light was extinguished. Darkness. Not total, because some light from the night sky entered through the windows. But it was deep and enveloping. I sat back against the wall to wait for the medicine.
Diego left the room for a few minutes, and someone purged right away. It was totally silent. I yearned for him to return, to begin to play music. I knew my purge was going to come quickly.
Coldness came over me. The room, in my mind, should not have been cold: there was a heater, I was wearing more clothes than I had for the ceremony with Eduardo, and the space was of much better construction. But the cold came on anyway. I began to shiver, and vivid images came. The images were mostly just interesting, of the same variety of colors I have come to know: dark blue-black background with vivid pinks, purples, greens. Images of insects: flies, mosquitos, spiders. And curling, winding vine images, like ice crystals forming on a window, curling and freezing, and my shivering intensified. I became aware that it wasn´t a reaction to the cold, but a nervous system shivering, and as I would tighten to it, I would shiver more intensely, the curling iciness taking over my whole body. But when I would relax, the shivering would subside. I relaxed into the experience, holding my intention to make the leap from mind to heart, surrendering to the medicine.
I became aware of my mind´s chatter, old familiar stuff, and reconnected to my second journey´s teachings. I became aware of mind as a place of isolation, dark, silent, like space. And instead of relaxing into that dark silence, my mind wanted to spin its wheels...thinking about my journey, seeking answers, waiting like a hungry hawk for something to emerge for it to hold on to, then trying not to...but even in that action the mind was grasping.
Then the music began. One really great song, one of my favorites, but now I cannot remember which one. The purge began to mount...I knew it contained the rest of my anger from the previous ceremony. I asked the medicine to also take with it anything that was a barrier to my loving, anything blocking my heart. I awaited the purge with gladness, happy to be freeing myself of whatever was blocking my heart.
Then, Suddhosi Buddhosi, my favorite of all favorites of Diego´s ceremony songs. I wanted so badly to sing but couldn´t...the purge moutned. And as the english lyrics came around, the purge blew:
You are forever pure, you are forever true, and the dreams of this world can never touch you...so give up your attachments, give up your confusion, and live in the truth that´s beyond all illusion...
It was so beautiful to purge to those words, so dear to my heart, to hold my purest knowing and alongside that text, to release it all...it was prayer, it was holy surrender.
The purge was thorough and strong, probably just as strong as my purge at Eduardo´s...but I wasn´t afraid. I welcomed it all. And when it was done, it was done. While I kept the intention of purging at any moment that was necessary, praying to be freed of any poison living in my body, there was no more. For now anyway.
I sat back and yearned for music, for singing. The visions tapered off, and I wondered whether or not to drink a second cup. I wanted to blast the tightness from my heart, but something within me hesitated...a second? I didn´t take a second. My mind begged for more songs, and the gaps between them sometimes seemed interminable. And as they came, I felt each one enter me, wash over me. I sang in harmony with the ones I knew, and the ones I didn´t know, I received with an open heart. Diego sang beautifully. Milagros sang off-key. Others sang, I harmonized as my voice would allow and I grew to love even Milagros´out-of-tune sweet voice. The sweet heart behind it was all that mattered. A man named Carlos sang, too, and his voice trembled, and it was pure and human and beautiful.
My mind asked for my teaching, expecting it to come in words...feeling mild, distand frustration that the simple words of knowing didn´t come to me. A few images. A woman in a window holding a baby, at night, the light glowed from within. She stroked the child from its forehead to the bridge of his nose and down. Then a star twinkling in the sky. Then two young-ish women with long cloaks and head scarves, their features obscured...Arab maybe. My mind puzzled these images...what do they tell me of living in the heart? Then darkness, no more images. More wondering, should I have a second cup of medicine?
I didn´t. I st back, and sang, and was there holding space for those who were purging, and letting my heart go to each of the others, so glad to be sharing this time of release and healing. The music continued. I sang, less shy. The tight pressure over my heart snapped, and I sat upright, very tall, in a snap. And then I understood. There was no teaching that my mind could grasp, no words, no revelation. Only song, the pure and sweet offering of voice and harmony, the air in my body offered as a sacrifice. And I loved by song...I sought nothing more than to sing the world well. I stopped seeking a more dramatic, profound answer. The truth came clear of my previous ceremony´s knowing:
How do I love Mother?
In Song!
It became embodied. How do I love? Song! I was no longer at zero, the place between anger and loving. I was swept away in the joy of music, and feeling endlessly grateful that I am ALREADY living this path. I sat in bright joy for the rest of the ceremony.
It all came to an end sometime after 3am. People hugged, chatted. I didn´t want to move. Lights came on. Diego played music from his Ipod, Snatam Kaur, my favorite! I hugged Paul, my neighbor, and he was still struggling with his own stuff. He didn´t really seem to want to talk, but I tried to be there to comfort him. I let him hold my ceremony stone for awhile, to ground him. A few others came over to us, too, and I was glad to hug them, to love them, to receive them. But mostly, I sat on my own, allowing my heart to blossom more and more. I sang along with Snatam Kaur, and Diego was too, and he came over to sit with me, we hugged. He asked about my journey, and I told him how beautiful it was, and how beautiful was the music. Then I shared with him something that I´m really beginning to understand more now, that my first ceremony with ayahuasca had changed my whole relationship to music. That as a professional flutist, music had become purely intellectual for me for so long, but now that has shifted. We talked about making music together, and I am looking forward to that. He welcomed me, once again, to the tribe. And this time, I really felt it.
Before I walked home, I went to clean my purge bucket. It was full of liquid, and a lot of mucus, too. Some of it was so thick it was almost like cheese...disgusting. Not easy to clean up, I had to scrape it out with toilet tissue. Goodbye to more foul poison from my body.
I walked home in the starlight, the eucalyptus trees whispering in the wind, and the tall mountains looking over me. When I went to bed, it was after 4am.
I awoke at 930am the next morning, the sun coming in my window. I sat up and burst into tears, I was totally overcome by joy to be alive. And a brightness, a radiance is surrounding me like a fragrance. Gratitude to Mother Ayahuasca for opening my heart!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Ceremony with Eduardo, June 25th
(in the afternoon, before...)
No matter how intense things are tonight, I must remember to breathe, and know that all will pass! I practiced yoga and meditated this morning, and am feeling like the sacred time began in my dreams of ceremony last night. While I´m a little scared of the release, I know that I will only be given as much as I can handle. I trust and respect this sacred medicine, and know that it will guide me to live more freely, and with greater love.
___________________________________________
A few hours before ceremony. I´m feeling ready to meet this experience. I spent the morning getting strong, centered. I feel open and clear. Deeply still. Silent. Today I began to feel really right again. Reconnected to my purpose. Whatever comes, I know that I can serve it.
___________________________________________
My intentions for this journey:
In my last ceremony I learned to forgive myself. Now I want to learn to forgive those who have hurt me, to open my heart and enter into greater compassion and understanding.
____________________________________________
There could be no greater release than that of my issues with my mother, and the deeply buried anger that had burrowed its way into my flesh. And now I feel its absence, a pit, an emptiness remains where so much poison once held root. It was time.
I understand why this could not have been my first release...though I had feared it might be. No, I had to make way for it. And after two ceremonies and much time for healing, it was bound to appear...the deepest, darkest, most bitter part of me.
My first ceremony in January taught me how to open to connection, how to live in community, to allow others into my world, and the truth of the interconnection between all beings and the earth. I witnessed my own inner conflict and how that keeps me from feeling a part of the greater whole of existence.
Then, in my second ceremony, I faced that voice, that inner conflict, the pure soul vs. the voice of self judgement. I struggled to free myself from the grip of that self judgement, and wept in grief for having lived that way for so long. And I learned to forgive myself so that I could love myself. I could never forgive anyone or love anyone else until that healing had settled in.
And no greater learning could emerge until this deep, ill part of myself could be healed.
How can I forgive my mother?
Love her.
How can I love her?
I was removed from the question and the personal story of the question...
Sadness and pity for my mother, for her suffering...genuine, but still distant...
Small purging begins...
Images, heaviness and lightness, darkness, images like I´ve seen in aboriginal art, birds, reptiles, flowers, patterns...then the surety that I could not find the answer to my question without the major purge:
ANGER
Cellular images, turning from pink to hot pink to fiery red, then the big release. Shapes like aloe and agave, spiky, sharp, the color of formaldehyde...poison. Puking to the end of my guts.
At some point Eduardo found my hand and placed a stone in it for me to hold...at some point between the purgings. And at some time it hit me...how simple it is...to hold on to Mother Earth when things are really difficult. I held that stone so tightly for the rest of the ceremony.
There were moments when I was barely aware of a much, much bigger reality, of other realms, and at one time I was flying as a bird, and it was so amazing, but then I was too heavy with negative energy to stay there, too much anger needed to be purged.
After powerfully retching out foul, bitter, poisonous anger, the teaching began in its fullness. I became aware of Pachamama, and deeply understood that my body is the Earth. That stayed in my consciousness for a long time, and then I realized that we all, our bodies are the earth, and if we are one flesh, then that´s how I can love my mother. Because we are the same. Aha! And then I wrapped my loving arms around myself and loved the whole Earth, and knew that any feelings of lack of love or abandonment that I´ve felt regarding my mother no longer had any power. I don´t need love and acceptance from her, Mother Earth provides all that for me. And I can love my mother anyway.
Once this was finished, Mother Ayahuasca went on to show me the Serpent, and its inherent feminine quality. I began to sway and wriggle like a serpent, and felt the need to lean my head back, and my throat and esophagus began to twitch and pulse as the snake went down my throat, filling my whole torso. I felt it being absorbed into my body, and my motion became one with the serpent, writhing along Mother Earth. I felt that the serpent was showing me how to be a woman, to allow and embrace my own femininity more wholly, I am a woman, I am Mother Earthñ I now see that in some way I have always resisted the feminine in subtle and not-so-subtle ways because of my conflict with my mother. And in embracing the feminine, I became Mother Earth, swirling in the still, cool silence of space, and I was content.
My spirit went to my mother, then, and as she slept in her bed, I caressed her head...she awoke briefly, startled, but I coaxed her back to sleep. And I felt no resistance to loving her.
Many other interesting things, too, but they seem mostly unrelated to this central teaching. The first strange bodily sensation was of heat and cold, but mostly cold. I felt my body being covered with barnacle-like creatures, flat shelled and spiraling, golden and icy...they ate their way into my flesh, chilling me to the bone.
In this ceremony, more than others, I was fully taken into the experience, and though the loss of control wasn´t wild or manic, it was full and complete for a time. And yet I could still observe the experience, too.
I had the sensation that the small room we were in kept changing shape, the space expanded and shrank, and off in the dark, unused part of the room, I had the sense that there was a lot going on...beings, energy, etc. There were clearly others there, good and bad, and Eduardo did so much to maintain the space, to purify, to cleanse, to protect. And I trusted him, loved him for it.
In my three ceremonies, there has been a white light that appears to be coming from behind me, just over my right shoulder. When I turn to see it, it moves just out of sight, just a fine white light radiance. During this ceremony, it allowed me to lean back into it just briefly, and my head entered its space, it was bright rainbow light! So wonderful, so brilliant!
The rattling...at one point, each shake of the rattle became a sphere, a bead of light, and I opened my mouth toward the sky, accepting each bead of light-sound into my body, filling up the hollow left behind by the purged anger.
There were probably three moments of panic, when I wasn´t sure what would happen. I tried to keep my breathing deep and slow, to keep myself anchored, and it was a life-saver.
When the candle was lit for the offer of a second dose, the light was too much to bear. I covered my eyes, and Eduardo blocked the light with his drum. What a startling thing, to see the small room, but while having such a fluid sense of the shape of the space. The drumming, rattling, and singing gave such a rich shape to the flow of experience, too, and sometimes when the music would stop or change, my whole sense of flow would change.
One more important part that I left out earlier...
How do I love Mother?
Through song!
The way to love Mother Earth is to sing to her, to make music, the prayer of the Earth is song. It was such a profound knowing, that song and all music is the most holy sacrament I can offer to Pachamama! Mmm...I´ve been singing ever since.
No matter how intense things are tonight, I must remember to breathe, and know that all will pass! I practiced yoga and meditated this morning, and am feeling like the sacred time began in my dreams of ceremony last night. While I´m a little scared of the release, I know that I will only be given as much as I can handle. I trust and respect this sacred medicine, and know that it will guide me to live more freely, and with greater love.
___________________________________________
A few hours before ceremony. I´m feeling ready to meet this experience. I spent the morning getting strong, centered. I feel open and clear. Deeply still. Silent. Today I began to feel really right again. Reconnected to my purpose. Whatever comes, I know that I can serve it.
___________________________________________
My intentions for this journey:
In my last ceremony I learned to forgive myself. Now I want to learn to forgive those who have hurt me, to open my heart and enter into greater compassion and understanding.
____________________________________________
There could be no greater release than that of my issues with my mother, and the deeply buried anger that had burrowed its way into my flesh. And now I feel its absence, a pit, an emptiness remains where so much poison once held root. It was time.
I understand why this could not have been my first release...though I had feared it might be. No, I had to make way for it. And after two ceremonies and much time for healing, it was bound to appear...the deepest, darkest, most bitter part of me.
My first ceremony in January taught me how to open to connection, how to live in community, to allow others into my world, and the truth of the interconnection between all beings and the earth. I witnessed my own inner conflict and how that keeps me from feeling a part of the greater whole of existence.
Then, in my second ceremony, I faced that voice, that inner conflict, the pure soul vs. the voice of self judgement. I struggled to free myself from the grip of that self judgement, and wept in grief for having lived that way for so long. And I learned to forgive myself so that I could love myself. I could never forgive anyone or love anyone else until that healing had settled in.
And no greater learning could emerge until this deep, ill part of myself could be healed.
How can I forgive my mother?
Love her.
How can I love her?
I was removed from the question and the personal story of the question...
Sadness and pity for my mother, for her suffering...genuine, but still distant...
Small purging begins...
Images, heaviness and lightness, darkness, images like I´ve seen in aboriginal art, birds, reptiles, flowers, patterns...then the surety that I could not find the answer to my question without the major purge:
ANGER
Cellular images, turning from pink to hot pink to fiery red, then the big release. Shapes like aloe and agave, spiky, sharp, the color of formaldehyde...poison. Puking to the end of my guts.
At some point Eduardo found my hand and placed a stone in it for me to hold...at some point between the purgings. And at some time it hit me...how simple it is...to hold on to Mother Earth when things are really difficult. I held that stone so tightly for the rest of the ceremony.
There were moments when I was barely aware of a much, much bigger reality, of other realms, and at one time I was flying as a bird, and it was so amazing, but then I was too heavy with negative energy to stay there, too much anger needed to be purged.
After powerfully retching out foul, bitter, poisonous anger, the teaching began in its fullness. I became aware of Pachamama, and deeply understood that my body is the Earth. That stayed in my consciousness for a long time, and then I realized that we all, our bodies are the earth, and if we are one flesh, then that´s how I can love my mother. Because we are the same. Aha! And then I wrapped my loving arms around myself and loved the whole Earth, and knew that any feelings of lack of love or abandonment that I´ve felt regarding my mother no longer had any power. I don´t need love and acceptance from her, Mother Earth provides all that for me. And I can love my mother anyway.
Once this was finished, Mother Ayahuasca went on to show me the Serpent, and its inherent feminine quality. I began to sway and wriggle like a serpent, and felt the need to lean my head back, and my throat and esophagus began to twitch and pulse as the snake went down my throat, filling my whole torso. I felt it being absorbed into my body, and my motion became one with the serpent, writhing along Mother Earth. I felt that the serpent was showing me how to be a woman, to allow and embrace my own femininity more wholly, I am a woman, I am Mother Earthñ I now see that in some way I have always resisted the feminine in subtle and not-so-subtle ways because of my conflict with my mother. And in embracing the feminine, I became Mother Earth, swirling in the still, cool silence of space, and I was content.
My spirit went to my mother, then, and as she slept in her bed, I caressed her head...she awoke briefly, startled, but I coaxed her back to sleep. And I felt no resistance to loving her.
Many other interesting things, too, but they seem mostly unrelated to this central teaching. The first strange bodily sensation was of heat and cold, but mostly cold. I felt my body being covered with barnacle-like creatures, flat shelled and spiraling, golden and icy...they ate their way into my flesh, chilling me to the bone.
In this ceremony, more than others, I was fully taken into the experience, and though the loss of control wasn´t wild or manic, it was full and complete for a time. And yet I could still observe the experience, too.
I had the sensation that the small room we were in kept changing shape, the space expanded and shrank, and off in the dark, unused part of the room, I had the sense that there was a lot going on...beings, energy, etc. There were clearly others there, good and bad, and Eduardo did so much to maintain the space, to purify, to cleanse, to protect. And I trusted him, loved him for it.
In my three ceremonies, there has been a white light that appears to be coming from behind me, just over my right shoulder. When I turn to see it, it moves just out of sight, just a fine white light radiance. During this ceremony, it allowed me to lean back into it just briefly, and my head entered its space, it was bright rainbow light! So wonderful, so brilliant!
The rattling...at one point, each shake of the rattle became a sphere, a bead of light, and I opened my mouth toward the sky, accepting each bead of light-sound into my body, filling up the hollow left behind by the purged anger.
There were probably three moments of panic, when I wasn´t sure what would happen. I tried to keep my breathing deep and slow, to keep myself anchored, and it was a life-saver.
When the candle was lit for the offer of a second dose, the light was too much to bear. I covered my eyes, and Eduardo blocked the light with his drum. What a startling thing, to see the small room, but while having such a fluid sense of the shape of the space. The drumming, rattling, and singing gave such a rich shape to the flow of experience, too, and sometimes when the music would stop or change, my whole sense of flow would change.
One more important part that I left out earlier...
How do I love Mother?
Through song!
The way to love Mother Earth is to sing to her, to make music, the prayer of the Earth is song. It was such a profound knowing, that song and all music is the most holy sacrament I can offer to Pachamama! Mmm...I´ve been singing ever since.
Reflections on Heaviness 6-42-08
(from my journal)
What is at the root of my sadness?
I{ve been catching on to big issues that bring me sadness and anger. The destruction of indigenous ways of life. Native American history. The state of education. The destruction of the environment. But as I have noticed in the past, I attach myself to big issues in effort ot avoid my own in some way.
Now, I don´t deny the power of my feelings of connection to these bigger issues. But I remember the day that the heaviness descended into my stomach. A little over a month ago. I was sitting on the porch with Ali, saying how much I´d come to enjoy my solitude, and no longer trying to fill my life with excitement. She said that that was wonderful, and that it surely wouldn´t last, since as soon as one thing makes you happy, it changes. And there it was in her words, delivering what she and I both knew was true.
I have been avoiding coming out of my year of solitude. When I was in it, it was pure, and I wasn´t clinging to it. But it has shifted, and I am clinging to it somewhat. I have surrounded myself deep in the relationships that feel deep and safe. And I have kept a distance from all that isn´t. The bonus is that I feel closer than ever with my community. But I´ve also kept a lot of people at an arm´s length. Lately, I have been feeling the lure to call me out socially, and have been resisting it.
Last Saturday night I went into Cusco with some friends. What was intended to be a night at a concert ended up a late night at a bar and disco, and I was upset at feeling stuck in the middle of it all, with the Inti Raymi festival crowds blossoming. And this social resistance is surely what is at the root of my upset in Cusco that night. On the layer just below the surface, the misery was related to two relationships with men who were heavy drinkers and partiers. Sure, that pain is real, but am I holding on to those two dead relationships in order to maintain my solitude? Maybe. And even deeper, is there pain that comes from complicated relations with my family of origin, too?
Having entered deeply into true community, my solitude has begun to come undone.
I´m also holding on to anger. Anger at those who have not treated me with the utmost kindness. Who have not loved me unconditionally. Who have been so caught up in their own crap that my needs were not considered. Those who were so full of themselves they couldn´t see past that. I´m angry with those who have not treated me well, with the men with whom I´ve struggled in relationships. But I´m also angry with my mother. There are other losses and hurts too, but no others that have cut as deep. None that have caused me to doubt myself as much, to question my own self worth. And now I know I am worth more. But I haven´t fully let go of my rage at those who have brought me so much pain.
My mother, the one who taught me that I didn´t deserve better treatment, who never let me know how valuable I am, or how wonderful I am. And then, the three relationships that have been the playground for my mother´s teachings. And I know that I will only release this anger by forgiving them, for they didn´t know any better, they were doing the best they could. That´s easy to understand intellectually, but hard to embody. My pain is real enough, too. It has kept me at a distance from others. It has caused me to distrust people. But within my protective solitude, there has been a growing sense of self-love. Especially since my first two ayahuasca ceremonies in January. I have been living in solitude to allow myself the space of nurturing, in cultivating the knowledge that I deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and respect, that I will accept no other way, that I´d rather be alone than treated unkindly. But now it´s time for me to emerge from this cocoon, and I´m a bit tenative. But the truth is that I´m not the weak, damaged being I was when I entered into this cocoon one year ago this week. I have healed a great deal, and am stronger and am ready to open and grow...I must release myself from this old stuff, it doesn´t serve me anymore.
What is at the root of my sadness?
I{ve been catching on to big issues that bring me sadness and anger. The destruction of indigenous ways of life. Native American history. The state of education. The destruction of the environment. But as I have noticed in the past, I attach myself to big issues in effort ot avoid my own in some way.
Now, I don´t deny the power of my feelings of connection to these bigger issues. But I remember the day that the heaviness descended into my stomach. A little over a month ago. I was sitting on the porch with Ali, saying how much I´d come to enjoy my solitude, and no longer trying to fill my life with excitement. She said that that was wonderful, and that it surely wouldn´t last, since as soon as one thing makes you happy, it changes. And there it was in her words, delivering what she and I both knew was true.
I have been avoiding coming out of my year of solitude. When I was in it, it was pure, and I wasn´t clinging to it. But it has shifted, and I am clinging to it somewhat. I have surrounded myself deep in the relationships that feel deep and safe. And I have kept a distance from all that isn´t. The bonus is that I feel closer than ever with my community. But I´ve also kept a lot of people at an arm´s length. Lately, I have been feeling the lure to call me out socially, and have been resisting it.
Last Saturday night I went into Cusco with some friends. What was intended to be a night at a concert ended up a late night at a bar and disco, and I was upset at feeling stuck in the middle of it all, with the Inti Raymi festival crowds blossoming. And this social resistance is surely what is at the root of my upset in Cusco that night. On the layer just below the surface, the misery was related to two relationships with men who were heavy drinkers and partiers. Sure, that pain is real, but am I holding on to those two dead relationships in order to maintain my solitude? Maybe. And even deeper, is there pain that comes from complicated relations with my family of origin, too?
Having entered deeply into true community, my solitude has begun to come undone.
I´m also holding on to anger. Anger at those who have not treated me with the utmost kindness. Who have not loved me unconditionally. Who have been so caught up in their own crap that my needs were not considered. Those who were so full of themselves they couldn´t see past that. I´m angry with those who have not treated me well, with the men with whom I´ve struggled in relationships. But I´m also angry with my mother. There are other losses and hurts too, but no others that have cut as deep. None that have caused me to doubt myself as much, to question my own self worth. And now I know I am worth more. But I haven´t fully let go of my rage at those who have brought me so much pain.
My mother, the one who taught me that I didn´t deserve better treatment, who never let me know how valuable I am, or how wonderful I am. And then, the three relationships that have been the playground for my mother´s teachings. And I know that I will only release this anger by forgiving them, for they didn´t know any better, they were doing the best they could. That´s easy to understand intellectually, but hard to embody. My pain is real enough, too. It has kept me at a distance from others. It has caused me to distrust people. But within my protective solitude, there has been a growing sense of self-love. Especially since my first two ayahuasca ceremonies in January. I have been living in solitude to allow myself the space of nurturing, in cultivating the knowledge that I deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and respect, that I will accept no other way, that I´d rather be alone than treated unkindly. But now it´s time for me to emerge from this cocoon, and I´m a bit tenative. But the truth is that I´m not the weak, damaged being I was when I entered into this cocoon one year ago this week. I have healed a great deal, and am stronger and am ready to open and grow...I must release myself from this old stuff, it doesn´t serve me anymore.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Ceremonies in January
When I returned from Peru in mid-January, I had just participated in two ceremonies within a few days of each other, and within my final week in Peru. The first was with Diego Palma, who I had been hoping to meet and experience ceremony with for a year or so, based on the experience of a dear friend of mine. The second was a total surprise, when I was intuitively guided to join some new friends in ceremony with another wonderful shaman, Alonso, who I'm told was Diego's teacher. Both were amazing. And both brought me to an unbelievable place of being left without any ability or desire to capture the experiences in words. A writer, wordless? It had never happened to me before, not even when I was a closeted writer. I was, and still am, pretty much unable to place these two experiences in the grasp of language.
What I did manage to do was capture the essence of each journey in a basic outline, both for my own desire to not forget things, as well as to keep them in order. I am grateful now, since some of the vividness of the images and feelings has faded, though the powerful teachings have not. I want to include these outlines here, in hope of keeping a thread of continuity through these and future ayahuasca journeys.
These outlines are basic, and I don't plan, at this point anyway, on fleshing them out any further than they were in my journal. My apologies if this is difficult to make any sense of. If you're compelled, ask me questions. It may actually be a good thing, leading me to deepen my own grasp on these experiences!
Here goes...
________________________
Ayahuasca Journey #1: 1/17/08
*Purple and blue. Some images.
*Hot and cold - and vibration. Weeping.
*Dots and lines - fractures and interconnections.
*Suzanne begins to purge and wail. I'm distracted and also very concerned for her.
*I purge. Brief. Out of body. Watching myself. Fear.
*Hard to have my eyes open - very strange body sensations. Still a thread of control with my mind.
*Greater loss of connection to self, a sensation of being sped up, and approaching an abyss.
*The choice: fall into the abyss or breathe and stay in control. I chose the latter.
*Gagging and puking up nothing. Nausea continues.
*Breathing - to alleviate the nausea, and later for its own pleasure.
*Rolling my neck - both in attempt to stretch and for its own pleasure.
*Seeing and feeling interconnection - music and singing. Coming back into my body.
*Criticizing my experience - not enough purging, not enough loss of control.
*The two voice emerge: the critic and the other.
*The two are gradually stilled, and I emerged from the experience feeling happy, simple, and harmonized. But still a voice of doubt lingered.
______________________________
Why did I choose to participate in a second ceremony? Several reasons, mostly a strong feeling and the inability to stop thinking about it when the opportunity presented itself. The feeling that I wasn't fully able to surrender to the first experience. Partially because of Suzanne. Partially because my first experience had been externally focused. Doubt. The desire to go deeper. All these things led me to KNOW that I needed to go. Learning that I could go and still make my flight to Lima, since the ceremony began earlier, 6pm, as opposed to Diego's at 9pm, confirmed it totally for me.
Ayahuasca Journey #2: 1/20/08
Emotionally deep and felt very important.
*Twitching - uncomfortable in my own skin vs. stillness.
*The emergence of my dark side - the crow.
*The crow and I talk: self-consciousness and judging myself/criticism.
*The well of sorrow - contemplating its source.
*The crow must go - a standoff.
*Asking Grandmother Ayahuasca for guidance.
*Forgiveness is the answer. More weeping.
*I want my heart back: tears are melting my heart.
*What are the tears for? Are they forgotten?
*No, they are the petals of flowers and the leaves of trees. They are never forgotten.
*Knowing that the dark side won't ever leave. Only learning to see it for what it is.
*The teaching is finished - riding waves of nausea through breathing.
*Gray fled.
*Music and fire and returning to the world.
*Silence. I played the flute.
*The ceremony ends, around midnight. A long walk home.
_________________________________
What I did manage to do was capture the essence of each journey in a basic outline, both for my own desire to not forget things, as well as to keep them in order. I am grateful now, since some of the vividness of the images and feelings has faded, though the powerful teachings have not. I want to include these outlines here, in hope of keeping a thread of continuity through these and future ayahuasca journeys.
These outlines are basic, and I don't plan, at this point anyway, on fleshing them out any further than they were in my journal. My apologies if this is difficult to make any sense of. If you're compelled, ask me questions. It may actually be a good thing, leading me to deepen my own grasp on these experiences!
Here goes...
________________________
Ayahuasca Journey #1: 1/17/08
*Purple and blue. Some images.
*Hot and cold - and vibration. Weeping.
*Dots and lines - fractures and interconnections.
*Suzanne begins to purge and wail. I'm distracted and also very concerned for her.
*I purge. Brief. Out of body. Watching myself. Fear.
*Hard to have my eyes open - very strange body sensations. Still a thread of control with my mind.
*Greater loss of connection to self, a sensation of being sped up, and approaching an abyss.
*The choice: fall into the abyss or breathe and stay in control. I chose the latter.
*Gagging and puking up nothing. Nausea continues.
*Breathing - to alleviate the nausea, and later for its own pleasure.
*Rolling my neck - both in attempt to stretch and for its own pleasure.
*Seeing and feeling interconnection - music and singing. Coming back into my body.
*Criticizing my experience - not enough purging, not enough loss of control.
*The two voice emerge: the critic and the other.
*The two are gradually stilled, and I emerged from the experience feeling happy, simple, and harmonized. But still a voice of doubt lingered.
______________________________
Why did I choose to participate in a second ceremony? Several reasons, mostly a strong feeling and the inability to stop thinking about it when the opportunity presented itself. The feeling that I wasn't fully able to surrender to the first experience. Partially because of Suzanne. Partially because my first experience had been externally focused. Doubt. The desire to go deeper. All these things led me to KNOW that I needed to go. Learning that I could go and still make my flight to Lima, since the ceremony began earlier, 6pm, as opposed to Diego's at 9pm, confirmed it totally for me.
Ayahuasca Journey #2: 1/20/08
Emotionally deep and felt very important.
*Twitching - uncomfortable in my own skin vs. stillness.
*The emergence of my dark side - the crow.
*The crow and I talk: self-consciousness and judging myself/criticism.
*The well of sorrow - contemplating its source.
*The crow must go - a standoff.
*Asking Grandmother Ayahuasca for guidance.
*Forgiveness is the answer. More weeping.
*I want my heart back: tears are melting my heart.
*What are the tears for? Are they forgotten?
*No, they are the petals of flowers and the leaves of trees. They are never forgotten.
*Knowing that the dark side won't ever leave. Only learning to see it for what it is.
*The teaching is finished - riding waves of nausea through breathing.
*Gray fled.
*Music and fire and returning to the world.
*Silence. I played the flute.
*The ceremony ends, around midnight. A long walk home.
_________________________________
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