Reflections on Heaviness 6-42-08

(from my journal)

What is at the root of my sadness?
I{ve been catching on to big issues that bring me sadness and anger. The destruction of indigenous ways of life. Native American history. The state of education. The destruction of the environment. But as I have noticed in the past, I attach myself to big issues in effort ot avoid my own in some way.

Now, I don´t deny the power of my feelings of connection to these bigger issues. But I remember the day that the heaviness descended into my stomach. A little over a month ago. I was sitting on the porch with Ali, saying how much I´d come to enjoy my solitude, and no longer trying to fill my life with excitement. She said that that was wonderful, and that it surely wouldn´t last, since as soon as one thing makes you happy, it changes. And there it was in her words, delivering what she and I both knew was true.

I have been avoiding coming out of my year of solitude. When I was in it, it was pure, and I wasn´t clinging to it. But it has shifted, and I am clinging to it somewhat. I have surrounded myself deep in the relationships that feel deep and safe. And I have kept a distance from all that isn´t. The bonus is that I feel closer than ever with my community. But I´ve also kept a lot of people at an arm´s length. Lately, I have been feeling the lure to call me out socially, and have been resisting it.

Last Saturday night I went into Cusco with some friends. What was intended to be a night at a concert ended up a late night at a bar and disco, and I was upset at feeling stuck in the middle of it all, with the Inti Raymi festival crowds blossoming. And this social resistance is surely what is at the root of my upset in Cusco that night. On the layer just below the surface, the misery was related to two relationships with men who were heavy drinkers and partiers. Sure, that pain is real, but am I holding on to those two dead relationships in order to maintain my solitude? Maybe. And even deeper, is there pain that comes from complicated relations with my family of origin, too?

Having entered deeply into true community, my solitude has begun to come undone.

I´m also holding on to anger. Anger at those who have not treated me with the utmost kindness. Who have not loved me unconditionally. Who have been so caught up in their own crap that my needs were not considered. Those who were so full of themselves they couldn´t see past that. I´m angry with those who have not treated me well, with the men with whom I´ve struggled in relationships. But I´m also angry with my mother. There are other losses and hurts too, but no others that have cut as deep. None that have caused me to doubt myself as much, to question my own self worth. And now I know I am worth more. But I haven´t fully let go of my rage at those who have brought me so much pain.

My mother, the one who taught me that I didn´t deserve better treatment, who never let me know how valuable I am, or how wonderful I am. And then, the three relationships that have been the playground for my mother´s teachings. And I know that I will only release this anger by forgiving them, for they didn´t know any better, they were doing the best they could. That´s easy to understand intellectually, but hard to embody. My pain is real enough, too. It has kept me at a distance from others. It has caused me to distrust people. But within my protective solitude, there has been a growing sense of self-love. Especially since my first two ayahuasca ceremonies in January. I have been living in solitude to allow myself the space of nurturing, in cultivating the knowledge that I deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and respect, that I will accept no other way, that I´d rather be alone than treated unkindly. But now it´s time for me to emerge from this cocoon, and I´m a bit tenative. But the truth is that I´m not the weak, damaged being I was when I entered into this cocoon one year ago this week. I have healed a great deal, and am stronger and am ready to open and grow...I must release myself from this old stuff, it doesn´t serve me anymore.